God Damn Bored

Before I forget, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

But, I'm so bored.

I'm kinda thinking of going for a trip but then I kinda think it's kinda waste of money. I mean I'm not a guy who goes out to another place and I will be kinda lost and afraid.

I remember last time when I was in APIIT after my college days I will sometimes by myself take a bus to shopping centres, which I think in most cases is 1 Utama. I would just walk around and look at books, at gadgets, but also I look at people.

I don't mean that I stare and stalk a person, but the observation of what they do. I see couples who hold their hands and walk around together, a family who has dad, a mom and their kids who are eating together and the kids will be fidgeting and all that. 

I like to watch people for their social interaction, but I think it's a personal matter that I watch.

You see, my family was fantastic before I was 10 ( please note, that my family now is still fantastic, just not as good before 10 ). When I was 10, it's kinda different story. I was told by my mom and dad that they will have to split ways, and tears started pouring out of my eyes. And life wasn't the same since.

I then watch things that hurt things. Like because my dad has gone behind my mom's back and been together with another lady (now my stepmom), I can see the grief that my mom had to go through, and she had to take care of 3 of us which I think she is a strong lady. 

I also don't see my dad often. We see him every Sunday which is kinda like the standard thing to do but he's kinda busy with his work and business, as am I. So usually when we meet up, we will talk something about business. But it's more like I have to put up a professional face so that I can meet up with my dad.

So I think my relationships haven't been that great also because I have this tendancy to push people away when they are too close to me. I think it's because I don't want to get hurt again when I am 10. 

So maybe thats why I go to shopping centres by myself. Sometimes I will walk in Curve or Ikano and just sit at Starbucks while looking around. When I see things that involve a family I like to watch longer. It's probably maybe because I wish I was there.

I wish my age is less than 10.

 

dual-personality

As I was slaving away for my work during the holidays, I got an sms from a good friend of mine, Kuan Ling who is Irene's housemate at the previous time (to those who are lazy to read my previous chapters, Irene is my ex which I think it was 3-4 years ago), who was wondering if I am free to get a drink.

So just a couple of hours ago we went for dinner and drinks and we had an interesting conversation on things that have happened for the past 4 years, for example, how her mother seems to call me prawn cracker boy because last time when I was staying in their place, her mother would make this fantastic prawn crackers and I will just eat until I finished the jar. I didn't really know that until she told me about it. Lol.

One of the conversations went to the fact that I have this very bad temper and it probably caused alot of rift at that time and also the eventual break-up. As I was talking more about it I kinda thought alot back at that time.

I seriously don't know what happens to me when I do that. It's sorta like I blackout and my mouth is making remarks and actions that I don't seem to control. This is terrifying because once that is over I tend to see scared faces or angry ones, and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's sorta like when you're working and when you go to get a cup of coffee your little brother or sister that comes in halfway, messes things up and then when you come back people are looking at you in disbelief. Except that this little brother or sister is you, and you know it unfortunately.

I think since then it has started to slow down, unfortunately it happened again during my tenure in (if) during some issues with the sister company. Once again I seem to happen to appear at the wrong place at the wrong time when I come to.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm taking full responsibility of all I do, because it's my body and it's actions supposedly is consequential to me. I just can't seem to control it, and my subconscious is evil as ever as it can come up with the nastiest things to hurt the person.

To all the people I've hurt in my life, I seriously apologise. It wasn't my intention and I think I deserve what issues that I'm feeling which is insecurity and loneliness. My apologies as well if I sometimes sound superficial or very awkward when I want to open up and talk, because I've tried so hard to hold this away and I don't want this to get out.

These demons are within me, please wait a moment while I try to kill them once and for all.

Thank you.

Lifeless Working Machine

As I went through the day collecting cheques for development and systems that I've done. I should feel great coz I'm doing the work that I love and getting paid for it. 

The problem is I feel empty....very empty.

When I was in Plaza Damas picking up another cheque, I remember all the sacrifices that I have to do to get this far. Working late nights, lack of sleep, playing too much games by myself, has made me one grumpy old man.

And working on Christmas / New Year is not helping either. Well if I'm not working, I'll just be wasting away somewhere again.

Probably I should follow Sanyen's (my client's company creative director) advice. Be a sorhai and spend all your money in buying a BMW 3 series and then make yourself panic coz you got no money. Which in  theory will encourage myself to make more money.

Or file for bankruptcy.

Bleh.

3 months

Ouch! I just realised I haven't been blogging for 3 months. This is bad. Ok lets see what happened:

My xbox 360 hasn't got the Red Light of Doom yet unlike my 1st one ( though by saying it will give bad luck so I gotta start my ritual of apologies to my 360 later ). I've got a few games for it, namely the Assassin's Creed, Guitar Hero 3 and I'm now looking to get Mass Effect after Eugin showed me the game.

Team Fortress 2 is a damn good game which must have a paragraph by itself. You can check it out here. Initially it gave me a bad impression because of Steam (which is a intermediate program you need to run before you can run Team Fortress 2), but as time goes by it gives a more casual implementation of the game I once used to play with the gang from APIIT 10 years ago. Lol.

Also my company's abit more mature now. It's got some business, and I got an intern to help me work on some stuff. Jason's friend Joshua is helping out do some coding here and there and he's a good programmer, quite a shame that he's doing engineering though, but thats what he wants to do, so I can't complain.

I think one of the things that has a biggest change is the amount of my friends who are getting married or are married already. It kinda shows that our age group is the stage where we have to be mature and responsible for things already and more to work, etc.

But I do miss my past sometimes. Previously during my college, I can go back to the nearest cybercafe and like Cheers, just scream for battle and start playing with your friends till the wee hours of the morning, eat dimsum at tmn megah and sleep on bed happy. Now unfortunately there are deadlines that needs to finish, and having to represent my company is quite taxing, and though there are some games that I can play online or the 360, it kinda doesn't have the same experience.

True, new change is to path to the future, but old memories makes us who we are today.

Tech Ed 2007

Hey guys,

Sry for my late update. I've been going through alot of inner mind thinking of what I shall do in my life. Not sure what field should I specialise in. Anyway here's the major thing that I've been recently (other than my birthday, but that will be another topic).





TechEd 2007

For those who are not sure what it is Microsoft TechEd is a conference made by Microsoft that explains to their users on what upcoming products and to get a headstart on what does it do + giving a try by having their beta dvds.

So after the explanation, the verdict. I only went there for 1 out of 4 days so my opinion is varied. I must say that their breakout sessions (which are individual sessions that explains about either a new product or providing help on certain issues) is a mixed bag. Almost most of the foreigner speakers are good. They talk because they want to, and they most likely don't have a script and will explain on whats going on. I've only heard 1 local guy speak in the breakout session and I don't think it was good. There were a total of 8 people in the room and some including me were leaving. It feels like he was compelled to do it more than if he wants to do it or not.

They also had the instructor hands on lab, which allows users like me to get a step by step tutorial on how a certain program will work with an instructor. Unfortunately this is usually full, and they reserve only up to 30 people per lab, which considering the amount people there is at the hundreds, maybe more, it's quite hard to get a seating.

They also have a lab which doesn't have a instructor, but you get a list of topics that you want to try, give it to the lab guy and he'll pass you a manual and the computer you use. After that go to that machine and try out the things you can do.

Unfortunately in both cases, the computers in the lab were not powerful enough. Technically speaking, A computer with 1GB of RAM should be suficient, however they're running the items on Virtual PCs (which basically is a method of running an operating system inside another operating system), and that causes alot of slow issues with the system.

Also I think the organisers has also done a very poor job. Although they were quite kind and corteous in helping out a providing directions. They did a bad job in providing the lunches and to organise for the lab event. For the lunches, they had two main sections where the lunches are, so the queue is enormous and I'm not surprised if a person has waited about an hour in the lunch line so that they can get their lunch and run for the next breakout session. The lab events it would have been much better if there were more computers and more labs so that we can get to use it. The best would be if they have a computer for every user.

Anyway it looks like thats about what I could comment on TechEd and I'm seriously having doubts of going again the next year.

Staying at the Capitol Hotel

Hi all,

I got a seminar on Monday, Tuesday, sorry not on Sunday as I mentioned to Eugin. Friday was a small preview of the seminar for me so I have to learn accounting soon. Dieded. Anyway I've got a room in Hotel Capitol which is just outside Lowyat Plaza. I've taken some pictures of the room and I'll give a preview of what this room is.

Basically it's called a 10-room where they tried to modernize 10 of the rooms and charge on a higher price. Due to lack of rooms in other hotels in Bukit Bintang, I decided to try it out here. Just to let you know, the price of the room is 300++ per night so it's mighty expensive. Anyway here are some screenshots and reviews:





As you can see the rooms have been attempted to be modernize by using a whitish look. I find that the space is not too bad. It's not big but then it has a moderate size for you to walk around and the table space is also quite wide enough for me to put my laptop and my other things. My only gripe is the LCD TV is too close to the table, making it feel cramped when I'm on my laptop.

What I don't like about this place is the environment. They did try to best for you to escape from the bustle and hustle of the city by putting you at their highest level (20th floor) but you can still hear people horning their cars so they can get through around lowyat plaza.

And the view, sigh:



This is a view if I look up.



This is a view if I look down.

The phone system is also confusing. Please show me on the phone below what button do I press to get to my room service. I've placed the room service menu instructions below with the phone together for reference:



So I think it's a nice room, just that I find that it's not enough to justify the RM300++ of my money per night.

Cheers.

gg Vista

I've attached this video of Chris Pirillo on his take on the Windows Vista and his decision on moving to XP. If you don't know him, he was a speaker in a show called Call For Help in the TechTV channel, and is a very avid fan of technology, and contributes to the software industry of any issues for the public. His blog is at chris.pirillo.com if you wanto look. Good stuff. Never I've met a gila techie such as him :). It's a long movie so thats abit of a fair warning.

I seriously believe that Windows Vista was not ready to be launched. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've just gotten my Microsoft Small Business Specialist tag and I love XP. Microsoft is also in a way a good company, but Vista is just too slow to work with for me. I've had driver and performance issues from day one. I've always admitted that Microsoft has been very responsive and helpful in their software development. Their software sucks when it first arrives but eventually it evolves to a much better one. They always listen and they always evolve, but evolving to Vista? I think it needs more time.

On installing the Vista, the only advantage I see is eye candy, unfortunately things went downhill from there. I couldn't get my video and my sound drivers working, having problems attaching drivers on the right places, and having my performance to work with Not responding windows dwindling, it's just not right for me.

So as i'm typing this blog, I've revert back to XP.

As in what Chris says, I'll see it on Service Pack 1...maybe.

The Mac Years

The trusty emac


As some of you might be aware, I have this old eMac (not the intel one) lying around on my desk in my house. Now, after using it for a couple of days I've gotten hook to it again, clicking it with the at that time so cool 1 button mouse on the docks of it's very interesting and fludic OS. I haven't been using it since a year plus if I'm not mistaken, and usually if I do, i tend to use to check on websites now and then. Additionaly with the VAIO that I'm using at work, I tend to leave this behind to collect dust and it is evident on the keys that i'm typing now. But the Mac didn't failed, it didn't die. It just sat in a corner until it boots up, and it did. Runs just like when I first bought it. :)

The story of how I gotten a Mac was an interesting one. And the followers that have it (yes I'm talking to you Eugin). It all started around 2004 (if I'm not mistaken), where I first found out that the iPod mini has been releasing soon and is taking for preorders. Seeing it in action and seeing how small it was (at that time it was really small), I decided to proceed to MacAsia to preorder one and subsequently gotten the unit and was quite pleased at the design. As time grew by I started visiting MacAsia more to learn on the iPod (i know it's supposed to be easy but being a techie I needed to know if there are any tricks that we can use), and this particular machine caught my eyes. It was a egg shaped machine called the eMac and it looks like an aesthetically beautiful machine that it's display also seems so much more clearer than my PC that I have in the house. Compared to the iBooks at the time, the emac was technically faster abit and also was brighter than the iBooks. It looked quite cool, and it didn't help that the Mac guy was saying that it's a beautiful machine in the world and faster than any PCs on the planet. And it was cheap. For RM3699, it was a steal as a Mac was usually expensive. So I brought out my cash and paid for it.

As I was going to pay for the machine, my friend Eugin was tagging along to see what the Mac was about. He kept saying for the price you pay you could get a horrendous powerful PC that can be placed in your house, which I dismissed by saying it was beautiful ( at that time this was very different than what I used to be , as I used to be talking about getting the best spec machine for the buck, and sometimes I still do today ). So off we went to MacAsia and bought one of the units and got the sales guy to help us bring it to the parking lot.

It needed the sales guy, which we found out the first disadvantage. It was heavy. It's 10kg in weight and it's horrendously hard to bring it from one place to another. The other disadvantage was it's size, though I think it's the box that's maybe the issue. It couldn't fit at the back of Eugin's Proton Satria as it couldn't wedge thru the gap to the back seat. So ultimately I had to sit at the back while the emac had been seatbelted to the front seat.

Once I got back home with the emac, lugging it upstairs was a pain. I had to make 3 rests during the time I climbed the stairs jus to be able to get it to the table. But the setup, flawless. There's 4 components. The emac itself, the keyboard, the mouse and the power plug. Plug everything together and start it up. Everything is there all the OS has already been ready. And it was good to go. And it was beautiful. More beautiful that any of the machines that I've worked on before.

Afer a while, Eugin who was initially a PC supportor, started buying Mac things to. First he gotten the iBook, then the keyboard and the mouse (which was weird since the iBook has already a keyboard and a trackpad, and also the keyboard itself costs RM299 and the mouse costs RM199, horrendously expensive), the iPod mini, the USB fan cooler, the Airport Express and more. It was a Mac year at that time.

Well, why did it stopped after the following years? Well, we found out that because it's a Mac, it's hard for us to customise controls since it was built on a Unix based OS, so we're not sure if we know or even dare to tinker on it. The speed also was not as fast as some if not most of the PCs at that time. Playing warcraft 3 with your friends on Battlenet makes you lag as your computer cannot keep up with the high graphic requirements which you could easily afford with the price of the PC. And an interesting discovery when I first entered (if) interactive was that the Macs, which used to be a designers required tool, seem to have lagged in terms of Macromedia Flash performance, so the guys are not able to build it and test it on a Mac, coz it won't show the performance and hence lagged behind. Eventually with new sophisticated PCs in the market and the unknown of the Macs going into Intel, the eMac eventually sat at the corner of the desk, peacefully quiet, to make room for new PCs and notebooks that has come to my path.

After having grouses with Microsoft Windows Vista however, I kept looking at this eMac and I started finding out that open source tools are on the Mac as well. I've optimised it with some tools that I've found on the Internet and most if not all of them are free. While I'm writing this blog on the emac, it feels simple and nice. And then it occurred to me. This was the ONLY machine that I bought that wasn't based on hardcore spec. It was because everything was simple. No convoluted jargons on whats happening, no intricate shortcut keys to press, just drag and drop everywhere. It was simple, and that was what the eMac had done for me for that 1 year.

I'm thinking of another Mac year again, hows that for a change?

vlogs

It's near the middle of April and I present to you

VLOGS!

Apparently it's the in thing where we blog based on videos instead of text. Well I've given it my two attempts and we'll see if this is more convenient or helpful to say the least.

Attempt 1:



Hmm, not too good.

Attempt 2:



Ahh much better.

Enjoy.

marriage, and looking back

Ah it seems alot of people are getting married, which is cool, yet it makes me feel old. Hehe. I always see myself as the young kid which I hope that I can get married soon to a girl I love, but always thought as in the much future. Now it feels like it's going to a be a more distant future, or none at all.

Truth to be told, I still miss my ex. I always had this dream where I'll go to Penang and to find her and to say I'm sorry, but I heard that she's with someone so if she's more happy than when she was with me I will not disturb that, because she's happy. It's as simple as that.

I miss the days where she would annoy the hell out of me that I can't wear my favourite green shirt or the time she keeps on asking me to shave. Though it was mere annoyances back then, it's what I miss, ah well, the good old days.

As I was writing that just now it feels better to write it off my chest, and so, happy valentine's day to this blog that I update so sparingly. And back to my work again, as usual.

X360: Resistance is futile!

When I first got this Xbox 360. Alot of people said that it was too expensive, too big, too hot, too little games, too white, too need a lcd tv, but now.....

There are 8 XBOXERS members, even the naysayers have bought one. MUAHAHAHA..

Microsoft should give me commission for this :(

Anyway, when's your turn to have an Xbox? :D

You don't forget old friends

On a couple of days ago I was "booked" for a meeting with the MC gang, which was kinda nice and bring back memories. I imagine the time after APIIT we will go to Damansara Utama to a cybercafe name Art de Net to play Starcraft. No online games, however exciting it may be, is the same as having half or all of the seats taken in a cybercafe with your friends, now that is fun :).

So anyway my friend Eugin came over and showed me a board game which I have forgotten the name. It then fascinates me as it kinda keeps you imagine on what it becomes than having to see on the computer with the awesome 3d graphics and can't imagine it differently.

All in all, it was quite fun on a 2 player mode, then I've gotta run for a dinner meeting, sigh. Thanks Eugin for keeping in touch, it's good to know that there will be a "chance" another LAN gaming session will be in sight ^ ^. Thanks to the MC clan as well, if it's still there :D.

I have to remind myself that:
No matter how much money I earn or how big a car I have or how big a house I live, it will always be empty without friends.

(if) as a family

One of my colleagues, Lee seng, had a sharing session which brings up a very nice activity to do during our meeting. What he suggested was that we each have a paper with our names on it, and it goes round to the rest of the people describing about that person in a one line sentence.

Here's mine to show, and I'm quite happy with the comments I'm receiving:

- Extremely funny and comical great guy to have around in any company!! Intellectual too in terms of speciality and field :). Keep it up man!

- ez going fellow. hope you can get out more frmo computers and PS.

- very super cool guy. Funny and caring, outstanding character. Very good persuasive skill. Just need to control temper once in a while. You're a great fren!

- Stop being homophobic and we not homos! :P

- Should try other drinks than COFFEE!

- Drink more water

- You apologise too often!! Makes people feel bad. Above all, you are very helpful and friendly.

- Everyone is his personal priest. Ha ha!

- Need to be more diplomatic.

- Damn good programmer.

- An Asset

- Say 'SORRY' or 'THANK YOU' less and more apropriately.

- Talk softer and more gentle.

- Come in the morning la. seldom see you coz we go back when u come. Nice to chat wif u man.

- Play more DOTA!

- chill out or relax when angry/upset.

- get more sleep, maybe.

- cheerful, joking and make the office more timely!

- Interesting guy, Laugh alot for no reason! Likes to say "TARPAU".

- interesting coffee guy.

- I like your communication way.

- Sometimes quite weird.

Some to tell me who I am, some to advice me on what I could do to be better. But this is the best process I've ever been too. After this, I'm putting it in my wallet, probably going to keep it for a very long time. Maybe when I'm 50, I'll take out this weathered yellow piece of paper to see it again. Who knows, maybe I can really find myself in the process. Thanks Lee Seng. Thanks (if). :)

Battlefield 2006

Journals from Private FBDX, 19/05/2006 1000 hours

As we stepped into the warzone, pellets were shooting evreywhere. People were screaming and doing barrel rolls to stay alive. Breathing through my helmet and equipped with body armour to stay alive after being shot, I ran to the nearest covers that I could find to prevent from enemy fire, a big wooden plank.
Having the fear of getting shot and running from one place to another to achieve our objectives makes the andrenaline rush to the maximum, with the heart trying to pump gallons of useful blood to keep my muscles mobile.
Remembering my training from the Rainbow Six and the Ghost Recon team, alot of tactics I have learned I have used now, but it has not prepared me for the randomness of the attack. It can come from anywhere, from the front, from the side, and even from your team mates. This is quite shocking.
As I then prepared to shoot,

hehehh...welcome to the (if) party that happened on Friday 19/05/2006. Had a very good paintball session, followed afterwards by the X-men movie. Here are some of my good friends who are blogging about it. Cheers.

Ah bonk's site
Jason's site
Lee Nyin's site

Cheers.

How Dell makes it big

As you might know or might not know. I'm a fan of company biographies. You know. How it's started and all that. Well my latest subject is on Dell. Basically, how Dell does it?
Well, in my opinion, it's because they listen to the customers. Do you know that they have a customer relationship management system just for you and me who bought the machines? Once they got your quotation number they know nearly everything about you. It's like going for an appointment to the doctor. Would you go to a doctor who has no knowledge of your medical history, or to a one who has bucketloads of your previous illnesses, allergies, and medicines that you've just taken?
My thoughts exactly :)
I think this is now the new age of things, it's how much you know about your customer and how much you serve them that counts. And I'm trying hard to make my training that way.
My belief is always this:
The profits that you reap is directly proportional of your percentage of your company devoted to serving your customers.

Deal with your previous employer

Sometimes keeping in touch with your employer helps. I've got a deal with them which is quite lucrative, but makes me work like hell. Sigh.
Back to work.

The expense of an office

Sigh, things that I've to spend is abit high for it. Installation of airconds, the getting of microsoft licenses, computers (which are given by IF, thanks), furniture and computer networking equipment. I think I've spent with the help for my dad about 10k for everything. Yikes, talk about overspending.

Anyway with this hopefully it gets to a better start, by leveraging on more students at one time. It's a challenge, and most probably a tiring one, but it's the risk to the return that I what thrive at.

Hope this works.

The new office

Well, after a few months, things are going abit stable. The training's been working out quite nicely. Having to run around alot, but at least I get paid for it. So I can define now as stable. But then the unexpected thing happens.
I sat around with one of my good business buddies for a drink (in Starbucks, what else), he proposed that we should take a big risk and set up an office. So that we did.
By April we will start opening our office doors for training at SS3. All 1800sf of them. and a interesting history to that.
SS3 is area where my first house that I remember to be in is. It has gotten me alot of friends to start with and just hanging around the public school. I remember the ice cream sticks that I used to fight with. I also remember the first computer that I have (nerd post). the Macintosh, at that place.
Now going back there when I was previewing the office I see alot of familiar places. The school, the drain that I use to fell off to, and my house. It brings back memories, and it doesn't feel like going to work.
It's like going home.

Being Me

As time passes through your life, you get moulded in what you HAVE to do, not WHAT you want to do. I find this hard to accept. I think that sometimes thats why my close relationships doesn't seem to work. When people wants to mould me to a certain stereotype, such as to work hard and chasing money until there's no tommorow which for me personally is vain.

As you know, I've started this training business. Altough profits are important and money is the main motive, alot of business experts don't see money as the most motivational tool to propel your businesses forward. It must be deep within your heart that you want to help an objective to the world. That you are a saviour towards humanity by providing your service and/or product. If we take William Gates III from Microsoft for example, his basic aim is the ability to provide computing technology to the masses. Ford's basic aim is the ability to provide cars to the masses. Then you have profits :).

About mine? I want to teach the eldars, our should be respected generation for their wisdom, that computers help them. If I go out of business, I'm happy that I've done my duty, as every eldar would have known how to use a computer.

I could've work for a company, in fact I've been told numerous times to do so. But whats the point? To have more money? I like to crave for adventure, to feel the ups and downs of doing something. I always like to drive at the rough side of the road instead of a smooth one. Give me a choice of working like an ass, being humiliated, 12% chance to survive every month to get the biggest returns and to work with a constant salary, sitting in your cubicle oblivious to anything and I'll gladly pick the 12% chance anytime.

Please don't get mad or berated about this post. I don't intend to offend anybody, but this is my point of view. I can't change anybody's point of view, and I choose not to. But this is what I am. This is what God mould me to be. And being an unknown soul, at least I have a shred of identity and profile I can cling to.

Also, I like playing games. It's a fact. I don't deny it. I'm not an online addict, but I'm not against it either. I love having to spend 3 hours out of your working day playing with friends and laughing at it while losing that round of Dota or Counterstrike. I'm sorry peeps, but this is who I am, and I can't change it for anyone. Not my family, not my friends, not my loved ones as well.

This is me. Like a young bird who wants to learn how to fly by risking his life to come off the nest and to grow his wings stronger than to stay in the nest for all eternity, where it's safe, is me. I thrive on challenge, I thrive on connecting to people, but most of all, I don't think money is God. I have Him that I pray to. :)

Public Speaking, a fear more worse than death

I've heard as a report that public speaking is the no.1 fear of many people, even more than the fear of death. Tommorow I shall attempt to go through that fear.

I've got a business meeting tommorow at 7am, and I hope that the presentation goes well. The presentations all gotta be in my head and to talk to 20 people. Lets see how it goes.

Fear is only in the mind so they say. But isn't all things from the mind?