dual-personality

As I was slaving away for my work during the holidays, I got an sms from a good friend of mine, Kuan Ling who is Irene's housemate at the previous time (to those who are lazy to read my previous chapters, Irene is my ex which I think it was 3-4 years ago), who was wondering if I am free to get a drink.

So just a couple of hours ago we went for dinner and drinks and we had an interesting conversation on things that have happened for the past 4 years, for example, how her mother seems to call me prawn cracker boy because last time when I was staying in their place, her mother would make this fantastic prawn crackers and I will just eat until I finished the jar. I didn't really know that until she told me about it. Lol.

One of the conversations went to the fact that I have this very bad temper and it probably caused alot of rift at that time and also the eventual break-up. As I was talking more about it I kinda thought alot back at that time.

I seriously don't know what happens to me when I do that. It's sorta like I blackout and my mouth is making remarks and actions that I don't seem to control. This is terrifying because once that is over I tend to see scared faces or angry ones, and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's sorta like when you're working and when you go to get a cup of coffee your little brother or sister that comes in halfway, messes things up and then when you come back people are looking at you in disbelief. Except that this little brother or sister is you, and you know it unfortunately.

I think since then it has started to slow down, unfortunately it happened again during my tenure in (if) during some issues with the sister company. Once again I seem to happen to appear at the wrong place at the wrong time when I come to.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm taking full responsibility of all I do, because it's my body and it's actions supposedly is consequential to me. I just can't seem to control it, and my subconscious is evil as ever as it can come up with the nastiest things to hurt the person.

To all the people I've hurt in my life, I seriously apologise. It wasn't my intention and I think I deserve what issues that I'm feeling which is insecurity and loneliness. My apologies as well if I sometimes sound superficial or very awkward when I want to open up and talk, because I've tried so hard to hold this away and I don't want this to get out.

These demons are within me, please wait a moment while I try to kill them once and for all.

Thank you.