God Damn Bored

Before I forget, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

But, I'm so bored.

I'm kinda thinking of going for a trip but then I kinda think it's kinda waste of money. I mean I'm not a guy who goes out to another place and I will be kinda lost and afraid.

I remember last time when I was in APIIT after my college days I will sometimes by myself take a bus to shopping centres, which I think in most cases is 1 Utama. I would just walk around and look at books, at gadgets, but also I look at people.

I don't mean that I stare and stalk a person, but the observation of what they do. I see couples who hold their hands and walk around together, a family who has dad, a mom and their kids who are eating together and the kids will be fidgeting and all that. 

I like to watch people for their social interaction, but I think it's a personal matter that I watch.

You see, my family was fantastic before I was 10 ( please note, that my family now is still fantastic, just not as good before 10 ). When I was 10, it's kinda different story. I was told by my mom and dad that they will have to split ways, and tears started pouring out of my eyes. And life wasn't the same since.

I then watch things that hurt things. Like because my dad has gone behind my mom's back and been together with another lady (now my stepmom), I can see the grief that my mom had to go through, and she had to take care of 3 of us which I think she is a strong lady. 

I also don't see my dad often. We see him every Sunday which is kinda like the standard thing to do but he's kinda busy with his work and business, as am I. So usually when we meet up, we will talk something about business. But it's more like I have to put up a professional face so that I can meet up with my dad.

So I think my relationships haven't been that great also because I have this tendancy to push people away when they are too close to me. I think it's because I don't want to get hurt again when I am 10. 

So maybe thats why I go to shopping centres by myself. Sometimes I will walk in Curve or Ikano and just sit at Starbucks while looking around. When I see things that involve a family I like to watch longer. It's probably maybe because I wish I was there.

I wish my age is less than 10.

 

dual-personality

As I was slaving away for my work during the holidays, I got an sms from a good friend of mine, Kuan Ling who is Irene's housemate at the previous time (to those who are lazy to read my previous chapters, Irene is my ex which I think it was 3-4 years ago), who was wondering if I am free to get a drink.

So just a couple of hours ago we went for dinner and drinks and we had an interesting conversation on things that have happened for the past 4 years, for example, how her mother seems to call me prawn cracker boy because last time when I was staying in their place, her mother would make this fantastic prawn crackers and I will just eat until I finished the jar. I didn't really know that until she told me about it. Lol.

One of the conversations went to the fact that I have this very bad temper and it probably caused alot of rift at that time and also the eventual break-up. As I was talking more about it I kinda thought alot back at that time.

I seriously don't know what happens to me when I do that. It's sorta like I blackout and my mouth is making remarks and actions that I don't seem to control. This is terrifying because once that is over I tend to see scared faces or angry ones, and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's sorta like when you're working and when you go to get a cup of coffee your little brother or sister that comes in halfway, messes things up and then when you come back people are looking at you in disbelief. Except that this little brother or sister is you, and you know it unfortunately.

I think since then it has started to slow down, unfortunately it happened again during my tenure in (if) during some issues with the sister company. Once again I seem to happen to appear at the wrong place at the wrong time when I come to.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm taking full responsibility of all I do, because it's my body and it's actions supposedly is consequential to me. I just can't seem to control it, and my subconscious is evil as ever as it can come up with the nastiest things to hurt the person.

To all the people I've hurt in my life, I seriously apologise. It wasn't my intention and I think I deserve what issues that I'm feeling which is insecurity and loneliness. My apologies as well if I sometimes sound superficial or very awkward when I want to open up and talk, because I've tried so hard to hold this away and I don't want this to get out.

These demons are within me, please wait a moment while I try to kill them once and for all.

Thank you.

Lifeless Working Machine

As I went through the day collecting cheques for development and systems that I've done. I should feel great coz I'm doing the work that I love and getting paid for it. 

The problem is I feel empty....very empty.

When I was in Plaza Damas picking up another cheque, I remember all the sacrifices that I have to do to get this far. Working late nights, lack of sleep, playing too much games by myself, has made me one grumpy old man.

And working on Christmas / New Year is not helping either. Well if I'm not working, I'll just be wasting away somewhere again.

Probably I should follow Sanyen's (my client's company creative director) advice. Be a sorhai and spend all your money in buying a BMW 3 series and then make yourself panic coz you got no money. Which in  theory will encourage myself to make more money.

Or file for bankruptcy.

Bleh.

3 months

Ouch! I just realised I haven't been blogging for 3 months. This is bad. Ok lets see what happened:

My xbox 360 hasn't got the Red Light of Doom yet unlike my 1st one ( though by saying it will give bad luck so I gotta start my ritual of apologies to my 360 later ). I've got a few games for it, namely the Assassin's Creed, Guitar Hero 3 and I'm now looking to get Mass Effect after Eugin showed me the game.

Team Fortress 2 is a damn good game which must have a paragraph by itself. You can check it out here. Initially it gave me a bad impression because of Steam (which is a intermediate program you need to run before you can run Team Fortress 2), but as time goes by it gives a more casual implementation of the game I once used to play with the gang from APIIT 10 years ago. Lol.

Also my company's abit more mature now. It's got some business, and I got an intern to help me work on some stuff. Jason's friend Joshua is helping out do some coding here and there and he's a good programmer, quite a shame that he's doing engineering though, but thats what he wants to do, so I can't complain.

I think one of the things that has a biggest change is the amount of my friends who are getting married or are married already. It kinda shows that our age group is the stage where we have to be mature and responsible for things already and more to work, etc.

But I do miss my past sometimes. Previously during my college, I can go back to the nearest cybercafe and like Cheers, just scream for battle and start playing with your friends till the wee hours of the morning, eat dimsum at tmn megah and sleep on bed happy. Now unfortunately there are deadlines that needs to finish, and having to represent my company is quite taxing, and though there are some games that I can play online or the 360, it kinda doesn't have the same experience.

True, new change is to path to the future, but old memories makes us who we are today.