Why do I hate God?

One of the most weirdest questions that I asked myself every day. Why do I hate God?

This question bothers most Christians I gather, and I apologise for that. Maybe it's just me.

I've been a Christian most of my life. As a kid I've been going to Sunday school every sunday, listening to the stories of how people were being saved from their sins. A spark of smile came from the small kid at the back of the room knowing that there's hope.

But somehow things went astray. Being in an International School with a tradition to uphold, I started to lose my footing and fell. Being out with friends, never had time to go to church, playing games. I started to drift away.

First time I came back to the YF was when I was 12/13 (can't remember). A frightened kid who came back and saw the church again. This time I knew in my heart that I'll always never fit in. The church is a tight group, where generations of families have met together and mingled and everybody knew everybody except me. The odd one. By 19 I left. I've made alot of friends, but I was drifting. I knew it, it always was there. The excuses that I made was a cover up to feel how alone I am.

By 23, my favourite aunt passed away. Her last wish was for me to go back to church. Now at 24, as I'm listening to the lectures and sermons and made countless of good friends that I cherished for my entire life, I started hating God.

Why? Is it because that I'm blaming him to take away my aunt at such a moment where I've gotten angry at her.

Crap.